Thursday, June 17, 2004

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Mom took Michael to Garfield today, Manda was babysitting,and Daddy was at work. So I decided to go explore the attic. Now, I've been in there millions of times-me and Michael, me and Manda, we used to go up there and dress up, and play barbies up there-pretending they were 'skydiving'. At any rate, most things up there are all packed up in boxes by holiday and such. There's a whole section of the attic seperated for all my grandmother's stuff that we took out of her house, including all her scarfs, Dodger's posessions and chairs. I was lookiong around to see what was in all those boxes, and I saw a few old boxes of my dad's (and mom's, but mainly dad's). I opened them, and found old pictures, back when my dad had a life. I found a bunch of old hats I might put to use, too :). But as I was putting boxes back, I found a small, pamphlet-like book. I looked at the title, and then had to do a double take. It said, "Saying Hello to Goodbye." It was about preparing for still borns,miscarriages, or pregnancies gone wrong-that type of thing. That's not the thing you get handed at the grocery store, and if it was, wouldn't you throw it away? I was trying to convince myself otherwise, by looking at the date of when the books was created. Copyright 1981-1985. Right before my sister was born. It shook me to think that there could have been more than attempts, maybe even almost real kids born-that didn't make it. I just sat on the warm wood floor, in the middle of the boxes, in shock. I mean, could I have not existed? What if they had another kid, what if the family had been completely different? Did my parents really try and fail, a few times, or even just one? Does my sister know? Is it even true? I guess I just need spome comfort here. What am I supposed to think? I don't want to ask my parents; it seems like an invasion of their privacy to ask-like if you were snooping in your older's sister's drawer and found black underwear. You don't want to ask her why she bought it-you weren't supposed to be even in there in the first place. The attic is free territory, but still. Any thoughts? Anyone? I'm so lost on what to believe now.
shellster7:42 PM